C. Healthy Living · Healthy Living: Choices, Connections and Well-BeingWorking Through Conflict: Conflict Within Yourself and With Others
C2.3 1.2 1.3 1.4About 70 minutes
Learning goals- I can analyse situations of inner conflict (moral and ethical struggles, tough decisions) and use strategies to work through them.
- I can analyse conflicts with others, such as arguments and fights, and identify what is driving them.
- I can choose and apply appropriate conflict resolution strategies, including defusing a tense situation.
- I can recognize when a conflict needs help from an adult or person in authority, including dating violence.
Words to know
inner conflict
A struggle inside yourself between two values, wants or choices (e.g. loyalty to a friend versus honesty).
interpersonal conflict
A disagreement or struggle between two or more people.
de-escalate
To calm a situation down so it doesn't get worse.
collaborating
A conflict style in which people work together to find a solution that meets everyone's needs.
mediation
A process in which a neutral person helps the people in a conflict talk and find a solution.
dating violence
Physical, sexual, emotional or online abuse within a dating relationship.
A note before you start
This lesson deals with a serious topic. Go at your own pace and take a break if you need one. If anything in it connects to something hard in your own life, talk to a trusted adult, or reach out to Kids Help Phone (call 1-800-668-6868 or text CONNECT to 686868, 24/7, free and confidential) or the 9-8-8 Suicide Crisis Helpline (call or text 9-8-8, 24/7). In an emergency, call 911.
This lesson mentions dating violence. If you are being hurt or threatened by anyone, it is not your fault, and you deserve help.
Conflict is normal; how you handle it matters
You want to go to a party; your parents say no. Your friend copied your homework and the teacher is asking questions. Two teammates are yelling at each other in the change room. Conflict is a normal part of life. It isn't always bad: handled well, it can lead to better understanding and better solutions.
The Grade 10 curriculum asks you to demonstrate the ability to analyse situations involving conflict within oneself (such as moral and ethical struggles) and conflict with others (e.g., arguments, fights), and apply appropriate conflict resolution strategies (C2.3).
Remember from Grade 9
In Grade 9 you practised communication, refusal and conflict resolution skills to prevent and respond to bullying and harassment, and used "I" messages and boundaries in healthy relationships. This lesson goes deeper into why conflicts happen and which strategy fits which situation, including conflicts inside yourself.
Conflict within yourself
Inner conflict happens when your values, wants or loyalties pull in different directions:
- Moral and ethical struggles: Should I tell a teacher my friend cheated? Should I stay quiet when someone tells a racist joke?
- Decision problems: Should I quit the team to get a job? Which friend group do I sit with?
- Identity and expectations: what I want versus what my family or friends expect.
Strategies for inner conflict:
- Name both sides. Write down what pulls you each way.
- Check your values. Which choice fits who you want to be?
- Think through consequences for you and others, short and long term.
- Calm your mind: meditation, breathing, a walk, journal writing.
- Talk it through with a trusted adult or friend, or a counsellor.
- Decide, act, and reflect. It's okay if a hard choice still feels uncomfortable.
Conflict with others
Most interpersonal conflicts come from a few sources: different needs or wants, different values, misunderstandings (a text read the wrong way), limited resources (one car, one ice time), or strong emotions (stress, jealousy, embarrassment).
People tend to use one of five conflict styles (in the diagram). No style is always right: avoiding can be smart if the issue is tiny or someone is unsafe; accommodating works when the issue matters more to the other person; competing may be needed to stand up for safety or rights. For conflicts that matter to both people, collaborating usually gives the best result, and compromising is a good backup.
When conflict needs adult help
Some conflicts are not something to solve alone or by "working it out":
- Threats, weapons or physical violence: leave and get help from a person in authority (teacher, principal, coach, parent) or call 911.
- Dating violence: hitting, threats, controlling who someone sees, checking their phone, pressuring for sexual activity, or threatening to share images. This is abuse, not a conflict between equals. Get support: a trusted adult, school counsellor, Kids Help Phone or police.
- Bullying or harassment: a power imbalance; report it.
- Conflict at home that makes you feel unsafe: talk to a trusted adult or Kids Help Phone.
Many schools also offer peer mediation or staff mediation for ongoing conflicts.
Worked exampleLet's work through an inner conflict
Noah sees his best friend Eli take another student's wireless earbuds from the change room. Eli says, "Don't be a snitch." Noah feels torn. Analyse and resolve.
- Name both sides: loyalty to Eli and fear of losing the friendship versus honesty, fairness to the student who lost the earbuds, and Noah's own values.
- Values check: Noah values honesty and would want help if his things were taken.
- Consequences: staying silent: the student loses their property, Eli may keep doing it, Noah feels guilty. Speaking up: Eli may be angry, but the earbuds can be returned and the problem dealt with.
- Calm and talk: Noah journals that night and talks to his older sister.
- Decide and act: first he tells Eli privately, "Give them back today or I'll have to tell the coach." Eli doesn't, so Noah tells the coach.
Noah used naming sides, values, consequences, journaling and talking to make a choice he can stand behind, even though it was hard.
Worked exampleLet's defuse an argument
Two teammates, Priya and Kayla, are yelling in the change room about who missed the defensive assignment that lost the game. Others are filming. You're the captain.
- Safety first: step in calmly only if there's no weapon or physical fighting; if there is, get the coach immediately. Ask others to stop filming.
- Calm words and a break: "Hey, we're all upset. Let's take 10 minutes and talk after we change."
- Listen and use "I" messages: each player says what happened from their view: "I felt blamed when..."
- Collaborate: the real problem is unclear defensive roles. They agree to ask the coach to review assignments at practice.
- Follow up: check in at practice.
Defusing (calm words, a break) came before solving. The collaborating style found the real problem: unclear roles, not "bad teammates".
Hands-on activityConflict style self-check and role play
You need: a family member or friend, and paper.
- Think of three recent conflicts (big or small). For each, write which style you used and how it turned out.
- Pick one that didn't go well. Rewrite it using the five defusing steps and the collaborating style.
- Role-play it with your partner: one person is upset, the other practises calm words, a break, listening and an "I" message. Then switch roles.
What to look for: a calm voice and body language, real listening (repeating back what the other person said), an "I" message that names a feeling and a behaviour, and a solution both people can accept.
Your turn
1What is inner conflict? Give an example.
A struggle inside yourself between values, wants or loyalties. Example: deciding whether to report a friend who cheated.
2Name three strategies for working through inner conflict.
Any three: name both sides, check your values, think through consequences, meditation or breathing, journal writing, talk to a trusted adult, friend or counsellor, decide and reflect.
3Name the five conflict styles.
Competing, collaborating, compromising, avoiding, accommodating.
4Which style aims for a solution that meets both people's needs?
5List the five defusing steps.
Pause, calm words, take a break, listen then use "I", solve or get help.
6Name three situations where conflict needs adult or authority help.
Any three: threats, weapons or physical violence; dating violence; bullying or harassment; feeling unsafe at home.
7Give two common causes of conflict with others.
Any two: different needs or wants, different values, misunderstandings, limited resources, strong emotions.
More practice: warm-up
No. Handled well, it can lead to better understanding and solutions.
2What does de-escalate mean?
To calm a situation so it doesn't get worse.
3Which style is "I win, you lose"?
A neutral person helps the people in a conflict talk and find a solution.
5Give an example of calm words.
"Let's take a minute." "I want to sort this out."
More practice: on your own
1When might avoiding be a good choice?
When the issue is very minor, or when someone is unsafe or too angry to talk (avoid for now, return later or get help).
2Rewrite as an "I" message: "You always leave me out!"
"I feel hurt when plans are made without me. I'd like to be included next time."
3Why is controlling a partner's phone or friendships not just a "relationship conflict"?
It's a form of dating violence (emotional abuse and control), involving a power imbalance, not a disagreement between equals. It needs support from a trusted adult or helpline.
4Ava's parents expect her to take a summer job, but she wants to go to a sports camp. Identify the type of conflict and suggest a collaborative solution.
It's an interpersonal conflict (different wants) and an inner conflict (her wishes versus family expectations). Collaborative idea: she works part-time and attends a shorter camp, or works to help pay for camp; they talk calmly, listening to each other's reasons.
5Why does taking a break work in a heated argument?
Strong emotions make it hard to think clearly or listen. A break lets bodies and minds calm down, so the conversation can be more respectful and productive.
Challenge
1Analyse this situation and choose strategies: at lunch, a student keeps making jokes about your friend's accent. Your friend looks upset and says, "Just leave it."
Inner conflict (respect your friend's wish vs. stand up for them) and conflict with others. This is discrimination/harassment, not a simple disagreement. Strategies: check privately with your friend; don't laugh; say calmly, "Not cool, stop"; and report to a teacher, ideally with your friend's agreement, because harassment needs a person in authority. Support your friend afterward.
2Compare compromising and collaborating using one example. When is each the better choice?
Example: two siblings want the family computer at 7 p.m. Compromise: each gets 30 minutes (both give up something). Collaborate: they find that one only needs to print and the other needs an hour; both needs are fully met. Collaborate when the issue matters and there's time; compromise when time is short or a full solution isn't possible.
3A friend says her boyfriend gets angry when she spends time with her friends and once grabbed her arm hard. She says, "We just have conflicts like everyone." How do you respond?
This is not ordinary conflict: controlling behaviour and grabbing are dating violence. Tell her you care and it's not her fault; don't blame her; encourage her to talk to a trusted adult, school counsellor or Kids Help Phone; offer to go with her. If she's in danger, call 911. Tell a trusted adult yourself if you're worried about her safety.
Quiz
1. Which is an example of inner conflict?
2. Which conflict style looks for a solution that meets both people's needs?
3. In a heated argument, the best first step is usually to...
4. Which is a good strategy for an ethical struggle?
5. A partner checking your phone and controlling who you see is...
6. If a conflict involves a weapon or threat, you should...
About this content: This lesson covers a sensitive topic, so it opens with a short note and helplines, and has no humour block. Read it with your teen if you can, and let them know they can come to you with questions without getting in trouble.
Big idea: C2.3 asks students to analyse conflict within themselves (moral and ethical struggles) and conflict with others (arguments, fights) and to apply appropriate resolution strategies. It draws on coping (Living Skill 1.2), communication (1.3) and relationship skills (1.4).
How to help at home: model calm conflict: name your feelings, take breaks when heated, and come back to talk. When your teen faces an ethical dilemma, ask questions ("What matters most to you here?") rather than deciding for them.
Common difficulties: thinking any style is always right or wrong; treating abuse or bullying as an ordinary "conflict". Make sure your teen knows that threats, violence and controlling behaviour in a relationship always need adult help.
Conflict styles: the five styles shown are a widely used model in conflict-resolution education.