Writing · Writing: Essays and Literary Analysis

Revising and Producing Drafts: Making an Essay More Complex to Criteria

2.6 2.7About 70 minutes

Learning goals

I can revise an essay for content, organization, clarity and style, working from the whole essay down to words.
I can use tests (thesis match, highlight, so what, reverse outline) to find what needs revising.
I can use teacher and peer feedback and the rubric to plan revisions.
I can produce a revised draft that is more complex, not just more correct.

Words to know

global revision
Revision of the whole essay: thesis, argument, structure and completeness.

local revision
Revision of sentences and words: clarity, variety and diction.

reverse outline
An outline made from a finished draft, summarizing each paragraph in one line to test its structure.

thesis drift
When the essay's argument develops beyond, or away from, the thesis stated in the introduction.

feedback log
A record of feedback you have received, the pattern it shows and what you did about it.

unity
A paragraph has unity when every sentence supports its topic sentence.

The draft is not the essay

A first draft is how you find out what you think. Revision is how you make that thinking clear and convincing to someone else. Expectation 2.6 asks you to revise drafts to improve content, organization, clarity and style, using a variety of strategies. Expectation 2.7 asks you to produce revised drafts, including increasingly complex texts, written to meet criteria from the teacher.

The key word is complex. In Grade 11 a revised draft should be better thought, not just better spelled. Editing and proofreading (spelling, grammar, punctuation) matter too; they are taught in the sibling unit Writing: Research, Forms and Conventions.

Remember from Grade 9 and 10

In Grade 9 and 10 you learned that revising, editing and proofreading are different, revised in the order content, organization, clarity, style, used ARMS (Add, Remove, Move, Substitute) and the reverse outline, cut wordiness, and gave feedback with praise, question, polish. Grade 11 adds the thesis match test, the highlight test, a feedback log, and revising for complexity.

Diagnostic tests: find what needs revising

The thesis match test. Read your introduction, then your conclusion. Writers often discover their real argument while drafting, so the conclusion argues something sharper than the thesis. This is thesis drift. Fix it by rewriting the thesis to match your best thinking, then check that every paragraph still supports it.
The reverse outline. Write one line summarizing each paragraph. Does the order build? Does any paragraph repeat another or wander away from the thesis?
The highlight test. Highlight quotations and evidence in one colour and your own analysis in another. If evidence takes up more space than analysis, add analysis or cut quotations.
The so what test. After each paragraph, ask So what? If the paragraph's last sentence does not answer it, add a link to the thesis.
The unity test. Does every sentence in each paragraph support its topic sentence? Move or cut sentences that do not.
The read-aloud test. Wherever you stumble, the reader will too.

Global revision comes first: there is no point polishing sentences in a paragraph you might cut. Work down to sentences and words last.

Using feedback

Keep a feedback log. For each essay, write down your teacher's main comments. After two or three essays, look for patterns ("more analysis" appears on all three). That pattern is your personal revision priority.
Translate comments into actions. Thin analysis → add word and pattern layers after each quotation. Unclear thesis → rewrite with a tension and an insight.
Ask peers specific questions. Where did you stop being convinced? Which paragraph felt weakest? What do you think my thesis is? (If their answer differs from your thesis, you have found a problem.)
Check feedback against the rubric. Make the changes that move the essay toward the criteria.

Revising for complexity

A more complex draft usually does at least one of these:

sharpens the thesis to include a tension and an insight;
adds an alternative interpretation or counterargument and answers it;
deepens analysis with layers (word, line, pattern, thesis);
connects the argument to significance in the conclusion;
cuts summary, repetition and padding (try cutting 10 per cent of the words: it is almost always possible and almost always better).

Each draft improves the thinking. Draft 2 changes the thesis and structure; Draft 3 adds an alternative reading and tightens the language.

Worked example

Let's revise a first-draft comparative paragraph

Revise this Draft 1 paragraph for the McCrae and Owen comparison: In "Dulce et Decorum Est," Owen talks about soldiers walking back from the front. They are tired and some have lost their boots. Then there is a gas attack and a soldier dies. Owen says "Bent double, like old beggars under sacks" (Owen, line 1). This shows they are tired. McCrae's soldiers are different. This shows the poems are different in a lot of ways.

Diagnose with the tests. Highlight test: mostly plot summary (walking back, boots, gas attack) and only one quotation with one line of analysis. So what test: the last sentence (different in a lot of ways) says nothing. Unity: it is not clear what the topic sentence is. Structure: Owen first, then one vague sentence on McCrae: two mini-essays, not a comparison.
Content: cut the summary; choose one point of comparison (the image of the soldier) and find evidence from both poems.
Organization: start with a comparative topic sentence; move between the poems with transitions (by contrast, where).
Clarity: replace both This shows sentences with precise analysis; remove the vague a lot of ways.
Style: precise verbs (strips, remain); end on the key idea.
Draft 2 paragraph: The two poems picture soldiers in sharply different terms. Owen strips his soldiers of youth and strength from the opening line: they are "Bent double, like old beggars under sacks" (Owen, line 1), young men compared to the old and the poor. "Men marched asleep" (5) suggests exhaustion so complete that the soldiers barely seem conscious. McCrae's Dead, by contrast, remember that they "lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow" (McCrae, line 7), so they remain whole and dignified in memory. Where McCrae's images invite readers to honour the soldiers by continuing their cause, Owen's make it impossible to imagine war as glorious.

Draft 2 has a comparative topic sentence, evidence from both poems, layered analysis, precise transitions and a final sentence that says what the comparison reveals. It is about the same length, but almost every sentence now does analytical work.

Version control

Save every draft with a version number (Comparison_v1, Comparison_v2). Paste cut paragraphs into a separate cuts file instead of deleting them. You will feel freer to cut boldly, and you can recover a good sentence later.

Hands-on activity

Two-highlighter revision of your own essay

You need: a recent essay of yours (printed, or on a screen where you can highlight), two highlighters or highlight colours, and a timer.

Thesis match test (5 min): read the introduction and conclusion. Rewrite the thesis if the conclusion is sharper.
Reverse outline (10 min): one line per paragraph. Mark any paragraph that repeats or wanders.
Highlight test (10 min): one colour for evidence, one for analysis. Mark paragraphs where evidence wins.
Revise one paragraph fully (20 min): use the order whole essay → paragraph → sentence → word.
Cut 10 per cent of that paragraph's words without losing meaning.
Write two lines in a feedback log: what the tests revealed and what you will check first next time.

What to look for: a thesis that matches the essay's best thinking, a revised paragraph where analysis outweighs evidence, and a log entry that names a specific pattern.

Just for fun

Ernest Hemingway told The Paris Review in 1958 that he rewrote the last page of A Farewell to Arms thirty-nine times before he was satisfied. Asked what the problem had been, he said it was getting the words right. So if your second draft feels like a lot of work, you have about thirty-seven to go before you catch up with him.

Your turn

What is thesis drift, and how do you fix it?

Put in revision order: sentences, whole essay, words, paragraphs.

Your highlight test shows twice as much evidence as analysis in one paragraph. Give two fixes.

Turn this comment into an action: Your conclusion just repeats your introduction.

Name two ways a revised draft can become more complex.

Why ask a peer What do you think my thesis is?

More practice: warm-up

Name the four things expectation 2.6 asks you to improve.

What is a reverse outline?

What is a feedback log for?

What does unity mean for a paragraph?

Where are editing and proofreading taught in this course?

More practice: on your own

A reverse outline reads: 1. The poem is sad. 2. The imagery is sad. 3. The ending is sad. What is the problem, and how should the writer revise?

Cut at least 10 per cent of the words without losing meaning: It is important to note that in the poem the Dead are basically asking the living to continue on with the fight that they themselves were not able to finish due to the fact that they died. (37 words)

Your feedback log shows more analysis on three essays in a row. What should your first revision step be on the next essay?

Explain why you should not proofread before revising content.

A peer says your essay is good. Write two specific questions that would get more useful feedback.

Challenge

Revise this Draft 1 thesis into a Draft 3 thesis and explain each change: Both poems are about war and they have different views.

Explain the difference between a draft that is more correct and one that is more complex, with an example of each kind of change.

Write a 4-sentence feedback-log entry for an imaginary essay that received these comments: strong thesis; quotations not always explained; conclusion summarizes; good transitions.

Check your understanding

Quiz

Which should you revise first?

The highlight test compares:

Thesis drift happens when:

Which change makes a draft more complex, not just more correct?

A feedback log helps you:

Expectation 2.7 asks for revised drafts written to meet:

For parents and teachers

Big idea: Expectations 2.6 (revision) and 2.7 (producing drafts) ask Grade 11 students to revise for content, organization, clarity and style, and to produce drafts that grow more complex. Many students equate revision with spell-checking; this lesson is about rethinking.

How to help: ask your teen to show you two versions of the same essay and explain what changed and why. Help them keep a simple feedback log (a page in a notebook or a document) across the year. When you read a draft, ask What do you think your main argument is? and compare it to the thesis.

Common difficulties: revising only surface errors; keeping a thesis that no longer matches the essay; reluctance to cut; vague peer feedback; leaving revision until the night before. Encourage saving versions, so cutting feels safe.